Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas woke from his self-induced coma yesterday, joining the liberal wing of the court in its 5-3 decision on Cooper v. Harris. The decision upholds a lower court ruling that North Carolina’s racially gerrymandered congressional districts are unconstitutional. Thomas, whom SCOTUS fans often call a scrotum in a black robe, surprised hospital staff with his vote.
“It was such a shock, ” said attending nurse Sandra Wilson. “We’d forgotten he was there and had turned his patient room into a storage space. I thought a possum was stuck in a file cabinet.”
Fellow justices Elena Kagan and the Notorious RBG herself, Ruth “Bad Bitch” Bader Ginsburg, were the first to see Justice Thomas’s recovery. The two were playing a game of Go Fish on Thomas’s prone chest. “We had to do something to pass the time,” explained Kagan, who wrote the court's opinion.
After recovering from her disappointment that Thomas was in fact still alive, Ginsburg alerted doctors, who rushed into the room. They were happy to discover that in addition to being conscious and breathing on his own, Thomas’s eyesight had a miraculous recovery. “It seems he actually can see race,” said Ginsburg.
Justice Thomas’s wife of nearly 30 years, Virginia, was unavailable for comment. Sources say she was busy, getting drunk and leaving threatening voicemails for her husband’s sexual harassment victims.